About a week ago a friend of mine asked me what I was wearing to Crim and Public the next morning. I have to admit, I didnâ€™t even know. How could I compete with all the suit modelling men of UNSW Law with an outfit that I just conjured up the night before or (god forbid) the morning of? I mean, the UNSW LawSoc Blog is where the big questions get answered, right? So, what do Law Students actually wear to class? Has anyone committed the Original Sin (outfit repeating)? And even more importantly, florals – in spring? You could probably answer that yourself. #FloralCliche #NotHipsterEnough.
You may be asking yourself, but why Stephen? What relevance does this all have? Shouldnâ€™t you be finishing those Crim and Public Law assessments due very, very soon? Youâ€™re probably right. I donâ€™t have an answer for the things I do – just yet – but I needed to express something that has been bothering me for a while now: formal attire at Law School. I know. I get it. Some of you have mooting or client interviewing or even (gasp) negotiations. But, a partner from Baker & McKenzie isnâ€™t going to spontaneously appear in place of your Public lecturer, dressed as your knight in shining (Armani) armourÂ ready to hand you a contract to sign over your soul. Give up on your dreams.
So, prepare to be graced with the guide of all guides. Itâ€™s titled â€˜The Art Of Fashion: 13 Chapters OnÂ How To Make People Fear And Love You’.Â All copyright laws apply. See AGLC for referencing instructions (something that I should be doing, considering Public is due in four days).
1. You have to wear a tie to class. Skinny. And when I mean skinny, this thing better be ready to collapse into a black hole.
2. A Hugo Boss suit set works well. If it ainâ€™t Hugo it ainâ€™t #BOSS.
An example of successfully fulfilling the above criteria:
3. You have to have matching Mercedes Benz car keys.
4.Â Personality. You want to have the charisma of Nate Archibald while looking like Hugh Jackman. The more testosterone that is being smelt, the better.
5. You and your hair better be looking like McDreamy had a lovechild with McSteamy and named him McKickinIt. How else do you expect anyone in the Law Building to take you seriously?
6. And finally, you better not forget the Tag Heuer watch. Leonardo is watching (DiCaprio, not the moderately famous other one).
1. If it doesnâ€™t look like youâ€™re practicing the spontaneous martial art form Drunken Fist when youâ€™re walking up those Law Building stairs, you arenâ€™t working hard enough. Seven inch heels. Nothing less. Preferably Chanel. Jimmy Choo will do.
2. Zimmerman dresses. Michael Kors watches. Louis Vuitton handbags. How else do you expect to show up that one person who always steals your CP? The throne is yours. You only need to reach out and take it.
Itâ€™s evident that I donâ€™t have much â€˜adviceâ€™ on womenâ€™s fashion so I would like to quickly finish up (before you realise that Iâ€™m just name dropping) by saying that no amount of suit wearing habits will save you from that post law reading look of sadness.
P.S. This is satirical. A critique on the idea that we can be judged on what we wear. Donâ€™t fall into the pit of losing yourself just so you can keep others happy, screw that. Screw the haters.